More Or Less A Mess

  I want to tell you that since I have posted a blog last that I have just been sitting around doing nothing but writing.

 

 

The reality is I have been so busy since February that I have been doing nothing other than building my dreams on solid ground.

 

Someone asked me recently why I stopped writing and posting blogs.

 

I guess you don’t realize how much time passes in between one to the next until you sit down and start looking at dates.

 

Crazy to me that I literally have not posted a blog since February, crazier yet the topic it was on.

 

The last blog I posted was about a part of my life I have long since let go of, but not posting another since clearly made it look quite the opposite.

 

The truth is I got wrapped up in chasing dreams, wholesaling product, creating more brands, and opening the boutique that writing kind of got pushed to the back burner.

 

All of which seemed to go as smoothly as one would hope.

 

If I had to compare said smoothness, I would compare it to roller-skating on a cobblestone walkway.

 

Regardless of how it transpired, I forged on and continued the mission that God set in front of me.

 

Somedays by nothing more than sheer faith and prayer.

 

Most days included several tears, the will to WANT to be defiant and just do my OWN thing, and A LOT of sleepless nights talking AT him instead of to him.

 

It took making the 3600+ mile round trip to Salt Lake City, Utah back in August to finally get myself in check with the Lord.

 

He spoke, and I listened.

 

A LOT.

 

There isn’t much else to do on a journey that size other than to be still and listen.

 

Now I won’t pretend that there weren’t several jam sessions with Air Guitars and Drum Solos, mostly because y’all know better than that.

 

There were several of both, lots of quiet moments, stopping to take in the beauty that he made, and more moments of self-reflection than I could keep track of.

 

My biggest fault is feeling like I am not doing enough, or that things are not happening fast enough.

 

Which ALWAYS falls back to Momma’s famous saying, “In God’s Time Rebecca, In God’s Time and not a moment sooner.”

 

Truth be told I am not the most patient individual in the world, and sometimes that causes me more heartache than necessary.

 

Learning to TRUST the process is something that I struggle with on the daily,  now y’all know my BIGGEST fault if you didn’t already.

 

Now back to my journey to and from Salt Lake City, Utah.

 

If you had told me while I was packing to leave that I would find even MORE of myself on that journey I would have rolled my eyes at you and just chuckled.

 

There is something to be said about traveling that amount of distance by yourself.

 

You do one of two things, FACE what you need to deal with or come out of it more upset, loathing yourself and the things you have long ago buried away.

 

I did the latter.

 

I accepted that all the things I had been carrying with me from February until that moment needed to be placed at the foot of the cross.

 

I also accepted that whatever was to happen with those things was to happen.

 

God’s will is A LOT stronger than our own, whether we choose to embrace that fact or not.

 

His will, will ALWAYS be done.                                                                                                          

 

I still remember a time when I prayed for all the things I have now.

 

The designs, the ability to have my own business and be my own boss, the ability to inspire others, every last ounce of it.

 

Looking back now, even in the hardest of moments, I am glad that I stuck with TRUSTING that God’s Will would be done instead of going my own way.

 

Sometimes it takes 3600+ miles of black on black and alone time to accept that MY WAY of doing things wasn’t or isn’t the greatest.

 

He pointed me back to the days when I was in a puddle on my bathroom floor after my divorce angry at life, angry at my situation, confused, broken, and STILL looking for answers I would NEVER get.

 

It is a time that I openly talk about, but isn’t something that I like to revisit if I can help it.

 

He took me ALL the way back to those moments and asked me what I took from them.

 

It would be another 300 miles West before I would figure it out completely.

 

I took ME.

 

No great success story starts at the top.

 

Most times to have to hit ROCK BOTTOM and accept that fact before you can move forward.

 

I had hit the bottom of rock bottom back then.

 

Alone, crying in the middle of the night, and angry at the world & God.

 

I don’t mean crying like a few tears streaming down my face.

 

I mean crying like full body sobs that made my ribs ache, my eyes and throat raw from the constant fact that my body just could not produce any more tears or saliva to keep my them lubricated. Snot flying, fist on the ground pounding, BEGGING for relief.

 

Begging for answers.

 

Begging for my brain to JUST forget what my ex-husband had done to me, and for my heart to accept that I continued to allow it to happen.

 

ALONE in the sense that the longer I stayed in that puddle on the floor the quieter it got other than myself wailing out like a banshee.

 

I was a hot mess, and even that was an understatement.

 

It was NOT one of my finer moments.

 

I was drunk on misery and looking for someone to blame because I couldn’t accept the fact that I WAS ALSO part of the problem back then.

 

Believe me, I have come a LONG way since then.

 

Looking back at those moments & that woman, I wonder who she even was.

 

When had I lost myself in my duties as a mom, my relationship as a wife, and how I could have forgotten who I truly was or wanted to be.

 

I remember vowing after that night that I NEVER wanted to feel like that ever again.

 

I shut out everyone. Family included.

 

Lived for my Littles and when that alone wasn’t enough I ACTUALLY started praying.

 

Along the way came Corrine Road and all that has transpired from it since.

 

God needed to remind me of the Warrior that he made me into on the way to Salt Lake City, Utah.

 

He chose to show me the darkest, deepest, worst parts of my existence to PROVE to me that his grace and love ALWAYS prevailed.

 

Who I was vs. who I would become is nothing short of a miracle.

 

All of which happened in his time and not a moment sooner.

 

Between God’s Grace and learning to forgive my own self for the things that had happened in my life, I was able to tap into the potential that God gave to me to fulfill his will for my life.

 

Now I won’t ever stand in front of you and pretend that because I wear a cross around my neck I am a better Christian than you.

 

I fail at this whole being a good Christian thing DAILY, I am “openly broken” and won’t ever forget that.

 

I make mistakes, bad choices, and repent for my sins.

 

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

 

I won’t stand on a soapbox and preach to any of you about your choices or your lifestyle, but I will ALWAYS invite you to sit at my table or next to me on a pew in church so that we can pray together & for one another.

 

No, I don’t always get it right, and LIVING through some of the stories in the Bible vs. studying them makes you truly appreciate the amount of Grace God really does give us as Christians.

 

What I can tell you is this:

 

Waiting to figure out when it is too late isn’t anything I want my friends or family to experience.

 

This blog is a result of me finding even more of myself and my relationship with the Lord than ever before on a 3600+ mile journey.

 

If you are reading this, well it means you have also most likely followed this journey when it started a year ago.

 

You hear me talk all the time about his Glory & Grace.

 

I am NOT just saying it to say it y’all, I truly mean it.

 

You watch him work through me daily, and if you have been following this journey you have watched him do so for over a year now.

 

God is GREAT ALWAYS.

 

No matter what you choose to believe.

 

I hope you always remember how ridiculously amazing you are & that God created you for a specific purpose.

 

If you TRUST him, he will show you the way.

 

Just remember he NEVER brings you to it if he doesn’t intend to bring you through it.

 

The past 6 years of my life have been something that would emotionally, physically, and mentally drain most people.

 

He created me with the gift of writing, to share these stories, to continue to SHOW anyone that follows my journey that HE IS CONTINUALLY WORKING through me.

 

He deserves ALL the Glory, and there isn’t a moment I will ever FORGET that.

 

There was a time it wasn’t always like this, and anyone who has known me my whole life knows this.

 

God decided it was time to shine a light in the darkest parts of my life to shift my direction, and he has never once failed me since.

 

Back in college, I studied Photo Journalism, and on my way to Salt Lake City, he reminded me what quiet moments in forgotten places in different cities look like.

 

That my love of photography and all things old still remained, but my more recent days resulted in me being in front of the camera rather than behind it.

 

It had been such a LONG time since I had tapped into that portion of my life, and he keeps reminding me of every single gift that he has given to me.

 

Both big and small.

 

I recently told a friend who finally realized how amazing God works when you just trust him to take the wheel about remembering to praise God in the hallway.  

 

We spend our whole lives chasing moments that we could very well be CREATING ourselves if we just SLOWED down, trusted that when God closes one door he WILL open another.

 

He never CLOSES one door and expects for us to be left out in the cold.

 

As humans, we make the mistake of wanting to RUSH the process, pick the lock and bust through the door like a bull in a china shop in the hopes that whatever we have planned for our lives is better than what he has planned.

 

Trust me when I tell you this, it isn’t.

 

I want to tell you it will all be OK.

 

Even in the darkest moments.

 

The rough patches.

 

The moments when you are rearranging your Front Row & removing people you thought would be there FOREVER.

 

I want to give you hope.

 

Inspire you to KNOW that life WILL work itself out.

 

That you will survive.

 

All I truly know is I'm living, breathing proof of this.

 

It's crazy to think that our hearts are the only thing on this planet that can be shattered into a million pieces, crushed beyond recognition, handed back to us a mess or picked up off the ground and yet it still continues to beat on.

 

Life. Goes. On.

 

Even when your own has stopped dead, and the silence is deafening as you try to work through what's happening around you.

 

There are going to be moments when you want to die.

 

Moments when the pain hurts SO MUCH you wish you were.

 

PUSH THROUGH ANYWAY.

 

I stand more moments in my boutique rubbing my "I Am Enough" bracelet while looking out the window praying for a sign from God than anything.

 

In the end its all about doing things in his time.

 

Trust him.....and he will not forsake you.

 

Love like Jesus does, even when people are calling you to do something different.

 

Know in your heart that you were created with a purpose, not just to LIVE and BREATH then die.

 

I never started this journey with the hopes that I would be where I am.

 

I started this journey as a way to tell my story, to show people that God truly does work in the most wondrous ways, and that ANYONE can find their way back to a church pew & him.

 

I am going to fail daily, for the rest of my entire life at being a “good” Christian.

 

I am going to screw it up, mess it up, and make mistakes I wish I could take back.

 

What I won’t do is give up.

 

Stop trying.

 

As I sit in this 800 sq ft space that I built from the ground up based on a story, my life story, I am reminded why I can NEVER stop pursuing this mission of mine.

 

People scrutinize others daily for their choices, their lifestyles, their way of life.

 

I want anyone and everyone reading this to KNOW and BELIEVE in your heart that NO MATTER what the outside world says, does or believes, there is ALWAYS a spot at my table for you!

 

I have been in your shoes.

 

I have been where you are!

 

I have been YOU!

 

I see you, I know you, I have lived what you are going through, and I will not EVER turn away someone who wants to “Bring it all to the Table” and learn that no matter what Jesus loves you!

 

I set out originally to tell my life story.

 

Along the way, God worked through me to give me things I could have NEVER in a million years dreamed of on my own.

 

This entire process was never about making a million dollars or being recognized, but it tends to happen doesn’t it……

 

It has always been about praising him for the things he has done in my life, and now it’s about continuing to do that while blazing a path for anyone who doesn’t believe chasing dreams is possible.

 

I am a single Momma Bear from little old Brimley, MI who started a blog based on my life story, which turned into a product line that ships ALL over this entire world…..

 

Tell me again it isn’t possible.

 

My faith is the strongest thing I have – more precious than gold.

 

Some days, other than my Littles it is all I have.

 

Most days, actually A LOT of days I am more or less a mess…

 

It took me a LONG time to realize that even still – Jesus LOVES me anyway.

 

Broken Hot Mess Express and all.

 

The absolute best part folks, he loves you too!

 

Trust him and let him do the work in your life and he won’t ever forsake you.

 

Stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks, feels, and says.

 

When judgment day does finally come, I promise you none of it, not a single ounce of what anyone says or feels about you is even going to matter.

 

Start focusing on you and what you want out of life & your eternity because like it or not it is coming for all of us eventually.

 

Now if you will excuse me I need to get back to doing God’s work, but I will leave you with this:

 

A year ago, I launched my blog, which was about me telling my LIFE story.

 

Along the way it turned into ALL THE THINGS, and here we are.

 

On July 6th of this year, I opened the doors to my very own boutique that carries the likes of my own trademarked products, unique exclusive gifts you can’t find anywhere else, and the dream that this area needed something bigger and better.

 

Something society told me as a single mother I would NEVER do.

 

Remember that when and if you speak my name, I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO THESE THINGS!

 

 

I can't imagine where I would be if I had listened to everyone that told me it was just too crazy to even happen!

 

Stop worrying SO much about what everyone else says and does and start taking control of your own life! 

 

We are all broken friends, but the beauty is - Jesus LOVES US ANYWAY! 

 

"Call unto me and I will answer thee, and show thee great & mighty things which thou knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3